I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
