So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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