I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
