At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
pop tarts are not kleenex
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"