Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
