At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
