Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
