Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
