shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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