your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
