Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Welp...herpes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
