Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
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puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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