Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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