i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
