My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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