and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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