Already got asked if we're dating
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
