she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
