You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
