once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
