Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
