i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
