I met the friendliest cop last night
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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