how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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