I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
