I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
