I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
