You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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