Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
