Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
