The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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