btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
