i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
