so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
