She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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