bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
