so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
