i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
