Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
