Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
