This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
