this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
