The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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