How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
