I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
