nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
