Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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