how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
