I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Randomize
