You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
