No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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