im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
