just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
