You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
