I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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