the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
