i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
